March 20, 09:00 AM

Creed Thoughts

There are two words that make my heart beat like a giraffe approaching a highway underpass. “Internet” and “dating.” When you put them together, I’m likely to go into convulsions. Up until last week, internet dating was number four on my most-current list of fears. It’s topped only by French-Canadian clowns that don’t wear pants, bodies of water where I can’t see the bottom, and my three remaining uncles. I’ve been on a mission to conquer these fears and that’s why I decided to give internet dating a shot.

My romance needs are real specific, so I didn’t know if these internet dating sites would be able to handle a dude like me. As a product of the free-love generation, I’ve still got some free-love souvenirs hanging around my free-love toolkit and I need a lady who doesn’t mind a few bumps on the free-love highway, so to speak. Lots of sites claim to help you find the perfect person for your particular needs, but I didn’t believe it until I actually tried them out. Did you know there are actually places to go for people in my… situation? There are. More than you’d imagine.

I posted my profile up on one of the sites a week ago – don’t ask me which one because I don’t post and tell. Within a day, all these people sent me messages saying they wanted to buy me dinner and take me to Italy and all kinds of crazy stuff. That’s when I realized I had signed up as a 30 to 45 year-old woman looking for a man in his sixties with lots of issues. Apparently I mixed up the “who I am” section with the “who I’m looking for.” What can I say? It was confusing and I filled it out fast. So I deleted all those messages (after a few really nice dinners with some surprisingly friendly but embarrassed guys) and started over with the right information. The messages haven’t been pouring in this time, but there’s a really nice looking gal from Altoona that seems promising. She’s got nearly everything I’m looking for/have contracted over the years, so it seems like a good match. We’re going to go out next week and I’ve been spending most of my time trying to figure out how I can get her to pay.

All in all, I’m pretty happy to report that I’m crossing internet dating off of my list of fears. It seems lot more manageable now that I’ve tried it a little. Next on my list are those pant-less French-Canadian clowns and I have no idea how to get over that fear. My only idea right now involves a very small Peugeot with a lot of seltzer and a pocket-sized French dictionary. I’ll let you know how it goes.