August 23, 05:10 PM

Creed Thoughts

I’m a big fan of snacks. Meals are great, too, but who has time to sit down and eat a whole ham these days? That’s why I get most of my chow from the Vending Machines. Fills me up and it doesn’t empty my wallet. I don’t get why it’s just food in there, though. Why can’t they throw a pair of briefs in the machine for a buck? Sometimes mine break down and I don’t have next month’s pair with me, so vending machine skivvies would be the perfect replacement.

Here’s what I know: People buy a lot of stuff from vending machines. Also, I know a lot of people who are really into misdemeanor crimes. Makes them feel alive. So I want to make a special line of vending machine snacks based on people’s favorite crimes. They’d be delicious, exciting, and fun for kids.

First on the list: Safecracker Crackers. Perfect for the guy who likes to break into safes, but gets hungry after all that work. They’d be crackers shaped like little safes with a tiny, spicy combo lock in the middle. Who wouldn’t buy that? Or steal it.

Next up: Larceny Bars. The first thing people think when they steal something is, “Damn, I should have eaten something ahead of time!” That’s where Larceny Bars come in. They’re energy bars for thieves. Keep one of these bad boys in your pocket at all times and the next time you’re picking up a new TV from some rube’s apartment, you’ll have a little pick-me-up waiting for you. Plus, it keeps you nourished until you find where they stash the diamonds. I’m going to throw all kinds of stuff in there, too, like chocolate and nuts and caffeine and whiskey and maybe even a little bit of dope.

Let me know if you want to invest in my Crime Snacks business. I’m taking on cash investors starting right now. Give me a call or just leave some dough with your name on it by that big rock across the street from Dunder Mifflin.