January 10, 03:25 PM

Creed Thoughts

I want to say something about naps. They’re great. I can’t get enough of them. I take as many naps as I possibly can – at home, at work, malls, public restrooms, adult movie theaters. At work, there’s this closet downstairs that’s filled with really comfortable mops. You bundle those mops together and you’ve got yourself an instant mattress. Not only that, you also end up getting a pretty good cleaning, depending on how much you roll around when you sleep. Most days I don’t even shower anymore because I know those mops will do the job for me. Three or four times a day, I tell the redhead that I’m going to get a snack and then pop down to my closet for some shuteye. Depending on how I feel, I’ll usually stay for thirty, forty minutes before heading back up. I call them “closetiestas,” like the Spaniards do.

Some people like a lot of pillows but I’m not one of them. I like one pillow at the most. Sometimes, I’ll toss the pillow away and just use a rolled up washcloth. No need to be greedy about your head cushions, right?

I’ve seen those memory-foam mattress commercials for years and always wanted one (the mattress, not the commercial). A few months ago, I sent away for the free sample they always offer. When it showed up, I have to say, I was impressed. They send you a little four inch by four inch square of the stuff and right away I could tell how comfortable it would be if I had the full mattress. So I did what any smart person would do. I made up four hundred fake names and now I’m just waiting for the rest of my free samples to arrive. When they get here, I’m going to tape them all together and have a memory-foam mattress for free. Take that, suckers!

I’m not into counting sheep to fall asleep. I count shots of bourbon. I can usually get to eleven before I’m out like a light. I’ll bet sheep like bourbon, too. You can see it in their cold, black eyes. Those dudes are drinkers.