October 04, 02:34 PM

Creed Thoughts

When I get hungry – and I mean hungry – there are only five words that can satisfy me: All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. They’re like libraries of food, but instead of late fees, they’ve got soft-serve. I hit up the local buffets at least once a month, sometimes more depending on how business is going. It really breaks up my normal routine of soup, soup, tuna, soup, microwave pasta, tuna-soup casserole.

Most people think you’ve got to eat meat to fill up at buffets. No way, suckers. It’s all about the sauces. Think about it: your body is mostly made up of fluid. Blood, water, guts. It’s all liquid. So does it make sense to shove a whole bunch of solids down your gullet? Think again. You want to stock up on the sauces because they’ll keep you full the longest. Go for a big old glass of Alfredo sauce and you won’t eat for weeks. Chinese buffets are great for this, too. Kung pao might be spicy, but you drink enough of it and you won’t even be able to think about eating.

It drives me crazy when buffets only offer one type of Jell-O.

Regular restaurants have waitresses that you’re supposed to tip. Buffets have waitresses that you don’t have to tip because you’re doing all the work yourself. These broads have tons of time on their hands because you’re the idiot running back and forth with the food. So here’s what you do: get real friendly with one of them. I usually pick the biggest one because she’s probably the loneliest. Start talking to her, get all buddy-buddy and pretty soon, you’ve the inside scoop on when the fried chicken’s coming out fresh. Basic rule of life: The nicer you are, the nicer they are. One time in Tulsa, I made nice with a gal named Janice and she packed me up fifteen steaks to go just because I said she had a pretty chin. Now that’s customer service.

Seriously, the Jell-O thing drives me crazy. It costs, what, a dollar to make a whole tray? Loosen up the purse strings and throw some lemon and orange in with that cherry. Also, stop suspending fruit in there. If you want to mix something in, try a little meat sauce – it’s be delicious and filling.

I had an idea the other day and if anyone steals it, I’ll hunt them down. Here’s the idea: buffets should start selling different size plates. You pay three bucks for the small, five bucks for the medium, and ten bucks for the large. I’m a real good stacker so I’d just have to pay for the little one and go to town. Fat people would probably shell out for the tenners so they wouldn’t have to get up so many times. I’m telling you, this is pure genius. I’ve been calling around to different buffet companies and one of them is going to make me a rich man, believe me. Honestly, if you steal this idea I will dismantle you.