November 15, 10:36 AM

Creed Thoughts

I lose my glasses all the time. It drives me nuts. I’ve tried all the gadgets – neck-straps, RecSpecs, etc. – but nothing seems to work. So this week, I’m trying something new. I’m going to take a little crazy glue and glue the bridge of my glasses to the bridge of my nose. That way, I’ll never lose my glasses again. Also, they won’t slip down my nose, which is my second biggest pet peeve about glasses. When I want to take them off for my weekly shower, I’ll jump into the sauna at the JCC and the glue will just melt away. It’s foolproof. Once I’ve tested it out, I’m going to start selling Creed’s Spectacle Glue all over the country. I’ll make thousands!

Sometimes I wear my glasses to look smart in front of ladies. Other times, I wear them to see better when those ladies bend over.

I don’t understand contact lenses. Who wants to see perfectly all the time? I wear glasses so I can see when I want to see, but when I just want to relax, I can take them off and enjoy the fuzzy. Contacts are a ploy by the eye-care companies to sell you their made-up products like “solution.” Did you ever buy “solution” before contacts were invented? No way. Same thing with “contact cases” and “tissues.” They make you buy their new-fangled contact lenses and on top of that, you’re supposed to buy all of their accessories, too? No thanks. I might look like a sucker when I’m wearing my glasses, but at least I’m not a sucker at heart.

What the hell happened to monocles? That’s one fashion accessory that actually had a purpose. Most eye doctors don’t tell you that only one eye is bad because they want to sell you the full pair of glasses. Monocles are for smart people who had the wherewithal to ask if they really needed two lenses. My Pop used to wear a monocle around the house when I was growing up, said it made him feel rich. I love feeling rich, but I can’t find a damn monocle anywhere these days. What’s this world coming to?